Last time on board the Slush Brain…

Donned in her kick-ass thigh-high stiletto heeled leather boots by the name of “Daryl” and “Dixon,” Captain Boozic and her sexy first mate I-can-hold-my-own-armed-with-a-wine-glass Mrs. Dixon, partnered to take down the loquacious too-loud-for-a-Monday-Morning ship mate, Corvus. After binding him to the mast of the HMS Slush Brain, Captain Boozic withdrew her black ball gag and positioned it in Corvus’ mouth where Mrs. Dixon and Captain Boozic proceeded to drink the Jameson Whiskey in front of him. There they left him all day and overnight to think about his actions.

And so…life on board the HMS Slush Brain continues…

 

Captain Boozic: Smile, Mina!! Goodmorning!! *dons my captain hat and passes the coffee*

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Corvus: (from the mast) You gonna untie me now?

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Captain Boozic: HEY! Who took the ball gag out of your mouth?

*Removes sign that says “can’t hold his liquor,” unravels the rope and puts it in my pocket for later. Pockets the ball gag. Plays a pipe and recollects the red ants in a jar for later. Returns the jar of ants to my pants*

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Corvus: Ya crazy wench!

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Captain Boozic: Hehehehee…I am!

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Corvus: She devil of a Captain

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Captain Boozic: Best kind *grin* Would you have it any other way? Besides, a bit of insanity is required to run this ship!

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Corvus: *peers over the bow* Waters are getting rough, Captain.

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Captain Boozic: Go below and row, Corvus! I’ll furl up the sails!

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Corvus: I’ll furl you up!

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Captain Boozic: Don’t make me keel haul you!!

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Corvus: I think we need a new Captain!!!!!! What say you matees?

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Captain Boozic: MUTINY!!!

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Corvus: Fine, I’ll go below.

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Captain Boozic:

*furls up the sails…IN THIS GOWN while wearing this tiara…because I can. Securing the sheets and the lines and heading below deck to wait out the storm…with booze and song*

*secures the helm before I forget*

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Corvus: *puts gun to Captain’s head* You sure you want to do that, lass?

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Captain Boozic: I never should have untied you, you mutinous shank!

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Corvus: I’ll scalp that pretty little head of yours if you don’t sit your arse down!

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Captain Boozic: *Sits down with a glare in me eye and a taste for cold blood at the end of my sword…Fluffs my skirts*

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Corvus: *puts down gun on table* Now, how about a kiss?

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Captain Boozic: *Cocks fire arm tucked in her garter…concealed under all the fluffy skirts

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Corvus: So where is that kiss?

…

*picks up and cocks pistol*

*rains start to fall*

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Captain Boozic:

*slides concealed pistol from garter…*

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Corvus: You sneaky little vixen.

*puts gun back down and raises arms*

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Captain Boozic: Heheheee… TO THE MAST!!! The ants will have to wait until after the rains!

*Returns Corvus to the mast and ties him back up*

I’ll let you wait out the storm here.

*Peers over her shoulder with a grin*

Next time, you’d be best to just shoot me dead.

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Corvus: Okay, you got me, lass, but don’t you think it would be in your best interest to keep me on your ship?

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Captain Boozic: *arches brow with interest* I’m listening, although… A mutineer has less value than a dead man.

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Corvus: Yes, but I’m the only one who know how to use this…

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Captain Boozic:

…

What? A dramatic pause? I use those…all the time.

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Corvus: Shatner pause

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Captain Boozic: OH GOD!!! Now I WILL shoot you!

*raises pistol and…BANG!…A single hair on Corvus’ head is singed. Boozic’s barrel smokes*

I prefer Picard

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Corvus: *pulls out a golden statue of Spock*

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Captain Boozic: Your hands are tied! What sorcery is this!?!?

*Pulls out knife and slams into the mast beside Corvus’ head.*

Picard went Borg and back again.

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Corvus: Delayed hun. Pulled it out before you tied me, so there!

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Captain Boozic: WHAT!? And concealed it when!? Where? Like I didn’t frisk you when I tied you up!

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Corvus: *spits in the Captain’s face* You whore! You didn’t frisk “everywhere”

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Captain Boozic: Wipes spit from my face. Positions barrel of gun over shoulder and shoots.

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Corvus: *falls limp*

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Captain Boozic: *Spock falls to the floor, rolls to my feet where I stop it with my kick-ass Daryl Dixon boots and picks up the statue

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Corvus: arrrrrr!

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Captain Boozic: I’ll say again, Mutineers have less value than a dead man. I’ll let this storm have what’s left of you. *Saunter on below deck with a swag…Pauses at the door.*

Have I an idea. *Turns back to Corvus.*

I’ll make you walk the plank in this storm. *With gun cocked and pressed to Corvus’ temple, Captain unties the ropes and walks him to the planks.*

Here’s your rope. You climb back up and you can stay. Adieu dear friend

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Corvus: You’re going to regret this!

*rope tangles with boot as I fall below the plank*

*dangles helplessly, bumping head against the side of the ship*

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Captain Boozic:

*Ties off other end to the mast. Peers over the edge, sends a farewell salute to Corvus and leaves him dangling Boondock Saints style to climb back up again…if he can.

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Corvus: *pulls tightly on the rope and clings to a damaged port*

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Captain Boozic:

*The captain saunters off to her chambers to mull happily over a thick red wine…Make it a rum*

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Corvus:

*anchors boot against the hull and wiggles through the port unscathed*

*wipes forehead and unties the rope from the boot* (Lower Deck)

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Captain Boozic: *Slowly sips her rum and gazes at the door with a grin*

*changes out of gown and puts on piratey clothes…the Daryl Dixon boots stay so that I look like this!*

*Pours another glass of rum*

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Corvus:

“Oh bloody hell! That woman is not going to be the death of me.”

*rummages through the sleeping quarters and finds a sharp dagger*

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Captain Boozic: *Plops herself at her desk…kicks feet up and savors the rum…Plays with my flint lock and 6-chamber revolver…*

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Corvus:

*Sneaks up to the second deck and waits patiently for the others to leave*

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Captain Boozic: *Tucks gorgeous dilinger into my boots.* “Thanks, Daryl”

*And slowly sips the rum…and waits…*

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Corvus: *climbs up to the main deck and sidles ever so gently next to the Captain’s quarters*

*knife firmly in hand and ready to strike*

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Captain Boozic: *grins..and tips the rum to her lips*

*finishes the rum and sets down glass…Saunters slowly about chambers and looks at steampunk 18th century watch and creeps knowingly to the door. pushes door open…Rain pelts the deck…*

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Corvus: *grabs the Captain, turns her around, and holds the knife to her neck* Don’t move lass!

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Captain Boozic: The lass doesn’t move

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Corvus: I’m not here to kill you. I’m here to help.

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Captain Boozic: Very well…*cocks head eager to hear proposition*

*everyone on deck stares with complete shock*

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Corvus: *Whispers in ear* You want the treasure, then you need me. That golden Spock is more than just a statue. It’s…

…

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Captain Boozic: Another Shatner pause I presume?

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Corvus: …a map, and I’m the only one who knows how to read it.

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Captain: Slowly sighs…understanding the options.

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Corvus: *turns Captain around and plants lips heavily on her mouth*

We’re partners now.

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Captain Boozic: The ship is mine…The crew is mine. The treasure…is up for discussion

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Corvus: So be it. I have no interests in you floating barge of scrap wood nor your mates

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Captain Boozic: *mentally thinks…Ah…ouch! But keeps that to herself…*

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Corvus: Now…where’s the rum?

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Captain Boozic: Puffs out chest in…compliance…In my chambers

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Corvus: END SCENE