You know when you just see something and you’re so moved by it you just enter a trance until you feel the hairs on your arm stand up? Yeah…First time watching this video…or hearing this song…or hearing this band… And I went, “Yep! That is what BPD feels like!”
7 Step Path to Recovery
Matthew Perry and 30 years of drugs… As some of you may know, I endured 30 years of trauma that ranged from rape and torture, to animal abuse and pedophilia. I also witnessed an exorbitant number of deaths at an early age. I did all of this without any therapy or medication. Two things my […]
It All Comes Together
Mom is depressed and withdrawn today. She just came off a very low low. This is the sign I put on the fridge this morning to notify the children which mood I’m in. If I could, I would pause life here. Right here. I would curl into the corner of my room, pull my knees […]
Slide into the depths of my Subconscious
It is as bleak as it sounds here. I need to make this clear. I am a philosopher. I am not a psychologist. All psychological ramblings on this site that are written by me are purely philosophical and are only based on my own philosophy. It is not medical advice. It has no grounding whatsoever […]
Physical Loneliness
“She’s screaming.” My words are but a whisper, but my therapist looks up from her notes. I wasn’t surprised that she heard me. “What is she saying?” “No words. Just screams.” “And why do you think that is? What do you think she’s screaming about?” What indeed…Damned if I knew. Angel just always screams. I […]
Starting Over
We are governed by the psychology conditions we have. If we are to understand our actions and take control of them, then we must first examine our past and confront the hurt we shoulder. WARNING: This article contains graphic sexual material including rape and abuse. Allow me to cover my sexual past with you […]
Breaking it Down
Bit by bit, my therapist and I have been pulling apart my personality. Like a ball filled with hundreds of slip knots, gently—and some days not so gently—we tug at the strings and watch the ball fall apart, one knot at a time. The results are always the same. There is a moment of comprehension […]
Confronting the Past
I am a mother of three and a philosopher. I’ve been married twice. I am a weak agnostic/atheist. I’ve dedicated most of my life to defining why we are here, if there is a god, and studied topics such as the history of philosophy, religion, psychology, and anthropology. I’ve spent years examining early civilization and […]
Another Sea
I dreamed last night. It wasn’t a nightmare, but… The feeling it evoked is still with me. Like I laid down in a garden with him and there was peace. And I loved him, pure and simple. I loved him so completely in that moment and then forever. I was camping with my family. My […]
Official Diagnoses and Overview
3:53 in the morning. Goddamn the muse. I’ve had one REM cycle—I forgot to take my medication for nightmares tonight—and I can’t sleep. I know I’ll crash and pay for this later. I have Nala in my lap. A stuffed lioness cub I cling to like a child when I sleep. I can’t let her […]