I am not a professional, and my theories are not to be taken as advice. My advice is to speak to your family doctor. That is where you begin. They will point you in the right direction and guide you. I am simply a philosopher who spends a lot of my time reflecting on my own experiences and is not to be taken as anything more than philosophical pondering. What you read here is only exploratory dialogue to help me to define the world and my own perspective.

 

I am no therapist. I am simply a trauma survivor who has found my way into the process. Movies do not show the process behind therapy, though… Good Will Hunting came close. Hollywood is only good at depicting two things: California and New York City. I spent much of my time in New York. They got the City right.  I assume Hollywood got California right because… well they’d just be morons if they didn’t.

Trauma is nothing more than an experience where the individual lost complete control of their body and/or fate. During that time, something horrible may have happened to them. To compensate for that moment, they look to control other things, simpler things, to regain that control. This is an illusion that allows them to cope with the real issue, that, for a time in their lives, they had no control over themselves.

Therapy gives you the strength to address that. But a lack of control is our greatest fear. And a lack of control makes you feel vulnerable, exposed… just like you were when you were traumatized. For this reason, many people avoid therapy. They are afraid of being vulnerable. Trust is the only thing that will strengthen you enough to begin the process. The first thing any therapist will do, is establish trust with their client. It all begins with trust.

 

Here are 7 steps I have discovered through my therapy that came as  a surprise to me. These are the 7 things, I was never told about. That Hollywood got wrong.

7 Steps of healing that you never knew about

1 – Stepping into awareness is like stepping into a Salvador Dali painting.

At first, the real world looked like an abstract painting. I had four other worlds I was living in. They appeared as real worlds to me. When I finally returned to this realm, it felt foreign. My senses were severally heightened. Sound, taste, smells, touch (especially touch), and light were enhanced like I had lived with a blinder on four thirty years. Your world felt like I stepped into an abstract painting by Dali. The more I heal, the more “normal” this world looks to me. My other realms look like Nirvana that constantly beckon me back. I felt like a character created by Dr. Seuss.

2 – Most therapy is about assigning the correct amount of responsibility to the correct people. It does not mean “blaming” or “holding” them responsible. It does mean learning how not to blame yourself. This will allow you to be angry at the right people.

Trauma victims often blame themselves for their abuse. They justify why the abuse happened and often defend their abuser. So long as I blamed my abusers, I could not get angry. This prevented my healing. By avoiding anger, I kept myself in a permanent stage of fear that I nurtured, so long as I didn’t get anger. I remained in the “fear stage” for thirty years.

3 – Anger comes and goes in waves. Sometimes, it comes in like a tsunami and keeps you suspended in severe anger for weeks. Sometimes, months.

I stood shaking with rage for weeks at a time and had no idea what to do with it. During those times, I spent weeks on end, just being angry. Sometimes, I would hop from one person to the next… taking turns being angry at everyone who neglected and abused me. This process lasted for six weeks. I may not be done with it. One day, two days ago, in fact, I woke up up not angry any more. I was very depressed instead. I think… I think I feel “sad” today. “Sad” is an emotion that is very foreign to me.

4 – Healing and recovery has nothing to do with confronting the abuser. In fact, confronting the abuser is a bad idea.

Part of therapy is about learning how to heal without confronting the abuser. Confronting the abuser usual leads to other problems. One thing I was told is, “Don’t expect the abuser to say what you want or need. Most times, they don’t. They say something that enhances the feelings of rejection and neglect. The next thing we have to review is how to cope with not hearing or getting the correct response from the abusers.”

This is interesting for me. I want and expect nothing from them. I don’t want an apology. I have other emotions arising at this moment. I think it is time I do as my therapist said and writer letters to all my abusers. I have been strongly advised not to send them. Oh… here comes another wave of hate.

5 – Once you start to heal, you start to remember things you forgot. The more you talk and write, the more you remember. We will only remember exactly what we can handle when we are ready to handle it.

6 – Your therapist is your guide, your shepherd. They sit by your side and guide you, making sure you don’t veer off the right track. They keep you grounded to the correct road that will allow you to heal. As you heal, you may want to hurt yourself or others. You may want to lash out and confront the abusers. You may become impulsive, lash out, or regress. The therapist is your guide. Your shoulder to cry on. They sit in the shadow and hold your hand at your lowest times. Sometimes, they will carry you.

7 – The first thing a therapist will tell you to do is write. As much and as often as you can. Writing allows you to release much of the anger, clear up the confusion, and sort out the hate all so you can start to remember. Writing then allows you to release the next bout of anger. Talking is just as important. Talking allows you recognize and identify the trauma for what it really was.

 

 

 

I am not a professional, and my theories are not to be taken as advice. My advice is to speak to your family doctor. That is where you begin. They will point you in the right direction and guide you. I am simply a philosopher who spends a lot of my time reflecting on my own experiences and is not to be taken as anything more than philosophical pondering. What you read here is only exploratory dialogue to help me to define the world and my own perspective.