3:53 in the morning. Goddamn the muse. I’ve had one REM cycle—I forgot to take my medication for nightmares tonight—and I can’t sleep. I know I’ll crash and pay for this later.

I have Nala in my lap. A stuffed lioness cub I cling to like a child when I sleep. I can’t let her go. I wonder if this is healthy or not. If this is okay or if it’s a sign I’m regressing. I know I can’t let her go. I hold her tight especially in my sleep.

I received my treatment plan yesterday from my therapist. For a certain someone out there who I know stops in now and then to read, this is for you. I think I will call you Judy (Judith..Heheheee…Little Ass kicker. How appropriate!) because that is what I felt your name should be whenever he spoke of you.

Axis I: (I have no idea what this means)

• Primary: 309.81 PTSD (This is my primary diagnoses. Click here if you want to know what this means)

Axis II:

• 301.83 Borderline Personality Disorder (Click here if you want to know what this means)

Axis III

• (There is a blank spot here and then…)
• R/O Complex PTSD, which is not a diagnoses. This means there is hope/intent to “Rule Out” PTSD and is not a diagnoses.

Axis IV: (This one amuses me)

• Problems with other Issues. LMAO…And they capitalized “issues” in the paperwork. LMAOOOO…Ya think!?

Axis V (GAF) – Current (Again…no idea what this means)

• 60 Moderate Symptoms, moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning.

 

Get that!? 60! I have 60 symptoms! WTF!?!? LOL I wish I could name them all. This number doesn’t overwhelm me. Not in the least *not sarcasm*. In fact, I laugh. Something about it tickles me stupid and I want to roll on the floor laughing. (My foot starts tapping)

My strengths:

• Good support (That’s my husband *smile)
• Good verbal communication (Yes. I am a writer)

Weaknesses:

• Poor affective control

(I’m holding Nala closer right now.)

Presenting Problems: Intrusive, distressing thoughts or images that recall the traumatic events, limited coping skills (no coping skills in my opinion), a sense of detachment from others, suicidal ideation, nightmares, flashbacks.

My needs, expectations, and responsibilities: Reduce the negative impact that the traumatic events have had on my life. Develop and implement effective coping skills to carry out normal responsibilities and participate constructively in relationships.

Then begins the goals and objectives, which I will summarize. I have two goals that consist of reducing depressive and anxiety symptoms. We are using CBT and DBT methods of therapy (That is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical behavior therapy). She anticipates this all taking two years. Two years in therapy?! Many feelings on this.

Here is a good ol’ Wikipedia article on CBT.

DBT: I looked it up and read this:

DBT skills training group is focused on enhancing clients’ capabilities by teaching them behavioral skills. The group is run like a class where the group leader teaches the skills and assigns homework for clients to practice using the skills in their everyday lives. Groups meet on a weekly basis for approximately 2.5 hours and it takes 24 weeks to get through the full skills curriculum, which is often repeated to create a 1-year program. Briefer schedules that teach only a subset of the skills have also been developed for particular populations and settings.

My reaction: Groups! GROUPS!? You mean with PEOPLE!? Leg jittering…massive anxiety in my chest. I’m going to try shoving that aside to calm down. I already feel my eyes reacting, my breathing changed, my palms are sweating. Seriously need to calm down.

We began this therapy on 21 May 2015.

My Nurse Practitioner of Psychology (the individual who prescribes and monitors my medication) has also diagnosed me with Bipolar. This diagnoses angered me at first because I thought, “I am not bipolar. I always have substantial reasons and a process for switching between anger and excitement.” Nevertheless, I do this quickly.

So…how do I feel about all this…

Here is a list of articles/topics I will be writing after another cycle of REM. This will all be appearing under “Unbreaking Me,” which is my “therapy journal.”  I think, when I am done with my therapy, I will accumulate all of the posts in “Unbreaking Me” and publish them in a book as the sequel to “Broken.”

• Nala
• Identifying with the victim: Animals, the cats, the dogs, the lady…VS. Identifying with the aggressor
• Feeling empowered through Horror/war films (I will NOT touch horror films, but I embrace a good war film)
• Excedrin (Past related incident)
• My Pedophile (I have been…advised…not to call him that. I won’t use his name *smile* Every therapist out there knows why. I wish I did. I call him Fuck Face. Cuz that’s what he is.)
• Definition of “Trauma”
• Definition of “Rape”
• Lord of the Flies (Yeah! She and I totally analyzed the psychology behind Lord of the Flies! LOL)