I feel it there… behind the fear that was… The truth. My secrets. Me. I’ve been improving all this time and the Universe calls to me, “Write.”
She says so much to me these days… I cannot combine all of her messages. They are meant to be combined. I keep forgetting that part.
I hear all the individual things she says.
“Go to New York.”
“You’re looking for someone.”
“He’s the One.”
“Tell your story.”
“Tell your story.”
“Talk to him.”
“What do you want?”
“Tell your story.”
“The Teachers were actors.”
… It never occurred to me that… It was all one sentence. Filled with semi-colons…
“Go to New York. You’re looking for someone. He’s the One. You are home. Tell your story. Go bigger. Tell your story. He’s Connected. Talk to him. What do you want? Tell your story. Write! What do you want? The Teachers were actors!”
Go to New York because you’re looking for someone. He is the one. You are home, now tell your story. Go bigger, and tell your story. Talk to him because he is connected to this! You want to make money? Then what do you want?”
“I want to act on stage,” I say and I want to make money performing on stage. But I wanted to follow my own script. I wanted my own stage. I wanted to perform my own script on stage while I teach… I want to teach others through the scripts I write and the acting I do.”
“Write. Tell your story and what do you want! The teachers were actors!”
And there it is. The message was given to me in pieces. The Universe wasn’t out there at all. It was me. But there is so much more that I wanted to say. So much more that was said to me that I felt, but never translated. That’s the way it is you know. So much that we feel that we ignore and don’t say.
Like how bad something feels. Like how uncomfortable someone makes you. Like how you were never supposed to be a simple, traditional actress because you needed to change the world so instead your dream was taken away from you from strategic, unplanned, abuse, disapproval, and neglect, subtly changing your life’s course away from your dreams toward the expectations shaped by abuse until… your story becomes the message. Your skills in writing and communication become your medium, and the long, lost desire to play and perform merge with your passion for Shakespeare, stage, writing, and… Philosophy.
I could only see the individual notes. My mind had separated the parts for so long, desperate to compartmentalize them all that I could not unite them under one. Me. On stage. Performing from a script that I had invented with my own Psychology, Philosophy, Perspective, and Story, delivering it to all of you in a method that is entertaining… engaging… and interactive… but how?
Can I do it?
The fear, it bubbles up inside of me.
What if I fail?
What if I can’t?
What if… I’m not funny!?”
Shut up, Jerry!
More importantly! How can I, with one body, one mind, one… ME deliver the voice, the characters, the minds, the agendas of all the others… And if I do, what if…
“You’re afraid they’ll all come out, lass.”
I am. If I fail at this, then I am a terribly actress.
If I am too good at this, they will think I am note cured of my Multiples at all. So it is best, if I just not try…
“And sacrifice your True Authenticity? Deny your Truth?”
What choices do I have? Failure or Success that questions my Insanity.”
“It’s been questioned before.”
Say out loud what you’re really afraid of.
“No one truly knows anything about Multiple Personalities. When I integrated, I simply realized I didn’t need them anymore. And I have not Switched since. Not even close. I am in control. But I remember the Mindsets of each. I remember everything. No black outs. No memory loss. No loss of control. I can recall the Mindset. I can act. I can become.
I’ve been improving for nearly ten months… And there she is…
“Write. It’s time to write.”
I’m supposed to write now. Switch my improv over to script. I’m supposed to write my scripts and then record them. Perform them.
“What do you want to be?”
I wish I was funny. I wish I could engage my viewers. *smiles at the camera* My voyeurs. I would look upon them and engage them as if I will know them. Discipulus. My Discipuli. Some friends. Some lovers. The lesson is… Imagination. Creativity. Play. Why… is sex a part of this chapter? I don’t understand… But I will.
“This whole thing, lass, is about Authenticity. Your Truth. Who you are? What is yours?”
“Why is it so hard? Why is this so hard? To know ourselves and to not… Loyalty. Loyalty to the Self is…”
“We think on what we don’t want. We focus on which path to avoid, that we are blind by the path we do desire. Our fears blind us from the love and the desire we are missing in every moment.”
“How can I teach them, Bergen? There is so much in my mind… How can I teach them?”
“Gollum. … Smeagol.”
“Dr Jeckyl. Mr. Hyde.”
“They say you have to connect with an audience through eye contact…”
“Bull shit. Fourth Perspective Bull shit. Actors never make eye contact with their voyeurs and they connect all the time…”
“I wish he was here.”
“Focus, lass. What are you?”
“I am Fae.”
“Say it, lass.”
“Born of moonlight and dreams.”
“Paint your scene.”
“You wish for me to merge my worlds…”
“What are ya, lass?”
“Imagination is creation. The ability to mold the Abstract into whatever reality we desire.”
“Does it matter if it is not “real?”
“So much in this world is real long before we can see it or understand it. Why have we been denied Imagination and the world’s within. If what is real… and if, this whole time, we have denied Reality’s existence… her existence… then why… was Reality given to us to begin with?”
“That’s it then,” Reality asks… “Do I exist or not?”
Feelings do exist.
The Universe… Intuition does exist.
Mathematics does exist.
Time and Money. These exist.
They exist because someone speaks them into Existence and Being. And so they become Reality.
Why do the Concrete Thinkers get to decide what is real and what is not? When I see and feel that I the Goddess Imagination, when I see and feel and breathe a world that only I can see… then who is to say what is and is not my reality for they cannot perceive my perspective. Why can’t there be Societal Reality? Personal Reality? And a respect for all realities!? Why can’t our realities co-exist? Why… Does the Zero-Sum Mindset, the Hierarchy, and the Scarcity Mindset apply to everything we do in this world?
What if I don’t want to live in their World? What if I have my own? What if I have a better World in mind and What if… WHAT IF… All of this is JUST a Mindset?
You tell me, then, what Imagination is if not Manifestation and Creation through Belief… Why else do we call it Make Believe?