With an upcoming Blog Hop, I was asked Were there any leading events in your life in 2015?
The question blew my mind. Some of you have been following from the beginning. Some of you know. But—without looking up notes in Unbreaking Me, here it is in a nutshell.
Were there any leading events in your life in 2015?
This question gets to my core. There is only one way I can answer this question.
January – I began this year living in four fictitious realms. I was incapable of going outside, talking on the phone or answering it. I was a hermit, a recluse, a shut in. I was incapable of walking down to my kitchen or going outside. I was dangerously withdrawing deeper into my mind. I spoke on a regular basis to three fictitious characters… and no one else. I danced every morning and listened to music.
February – A fourth fictitious character submerged from my psyche with a fourth realm. My marriage was on the verge of ending. My husband was filing for divorce. I hadn’t looked at my children in months.
March – I declared I was moving out of the country and becoming a hermit. I was making preparations to leave my children and my husband. 7 March 2015 through 29 March 2015, I wrote Broken to decide if this was something I really wanted to do. Broken was my journal, a memoir and biography that reviewed the horrors of my life. I wrote 98,000 words in two weeks.
I stopped dancing while writing Broken. Within those two weeks, I lost 20 pounds and started drinking and smoking (cloves). I stopped listening to music.
April – 2 April 2015, after 30 years of living in my mind, I emerged and entered this world (dare I call it my world yet?). The transitions launched me into a mental break down and I was rushed to the ER. A week later, I was started medication for my condition.
May – I began therapy and was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, BPD (borderline personality disorder), Dissociative Disorder, bipolar, mania, and hypersexuality. Dolor and Shadow was published 31 May 2015. My therapist taught me how to cope with PTSD, how to end the triggers and identify them. We set to work with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and DBT.
I stopped drinking and smoking.
June – Therapy continues and I began writing Unbreaking Me, the sequel to Broken and online therapy journal that records my progress. My therapist helps me sort out and identify emotions I haven’t felt in 30 years and, in some cases, ever. I was a part-time psychopath. She guides me out of dissociation. In nerd terms, I was a human who had achieved Kholinar. I was there for so long, I was incapable of feeling anything but euphoria and suicidal depression. It was like living on cocaine for 30 years while in Kholinar.
My son begins therapy joined by my husband. I begin therapeutic gardening to gain control, security, safety, and we turn the house into a “healing house.” Music returned to the house. Scented candles… still no dance.
Nightmares return. They had started when I was 15 and ended when I was 23. They were back with a vengeance now.
I stop showering, shaving, and dieting as a way to take back control over my body.
July – Therapy continues. We start pulling apart my past and we examine my father. My mother. My siblings. We move on to the boyfriend who imprisoned me, tortured me, and raped me.
August – Therapy continues. We return to my mother and my husband. We review the boyfriend who raped me, the animal abuse I witnessed, and my siblings.
September – Therapy continues. Broken is published and I go public with my past. I speak out and become an advocate for awareness and rape survivors. I encourage all survivors to speak out and add to the awareness. Choose to get your voice back. You don’t have to be mute anymore. I was raped on 9/11. I was enslaved by a pedophile and prepped for human trafficking. I have been sexually tortured, beaten, and abused. My father has always loved me.
In therapy, we review the pedophile who raped me on 9/11… the boyfriend who raped me. Suicidal ideation has ended. Mania is identified and controlled. The PTSD is well underway of being controlled. The gardens look fantastic! I’m listening to music again. I will not dance. Not yet.
I shower and shave again. I begin eating healthy and diet again… but this time… it is because I want to. I redesign the clothes I wear and stop dressing the way others… society deems proper. I take back control and do what I want for me and not for others.
October – Therapy continues. I learn that I can control me. That I am no longer a child and can no longer be hurt. I speak to my father and learn the truth. I speak to my siblings and uncover moreof the truth. I learned the source of my abuse. I begin to remember suppressed memories and we begin sex therapy.
November – Therapy continues. My third story is published in an anthology: Amor Vincit Omnia. I realized I don’t like going to my worlds anymore. I like being here with my husband… and my children.
Sex therapy continues. We speak of my mother and my husband. More memories surface. Sexual activity drastically changes and I am able to identify and confront a lot of issues. Sexual healing takes vast advances.
December – Therapy continues. I am currently learning that I am enough and that I don’t have to answer to anyone. I love going to the store. I can answer my phone. I make breakfast for my children and husband every morning. I am cooking and baking… I am living again. I am doing house work and writing. Most of all… I am trying to learn that I am enough. Some memories are still surfacing, but there are fewer and less powerful.
I think… I think I’ll start dancing again.
Were there any leading events in my life in 2015? Yes. There were many.