My dearest friend (For frequent readers, she’s the one with gorgeous hair and perfect boobs… yeah! That one) refuses to watch Romeo and Juliet. Now, I adore Shakespeare and devoured his written works like an Angela with a hankering for Shakespeare. So naturally, fifteen years ago, I guffawed all over myself when said friend scrunched her face and said, “Hm… I HATE Romeo and Juliet.”
Sputter sputter… my heart stops, resuscitates, and I continue… “WHAT!? How can you hate Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet!?” I shriek this while remembering the 1962 edition by Franco Zeffirelli. I cry every time I see it. And I can’t imagine anyone hating it.
“Oh, god!” Angi replies, “It was god-awful! With Di-Crapio—”
“WAIT!” I shriek. “That. 1996 GARBAGE… THAT is what you saw!?”
“Well, yeah… We had to watch it for English class.”
“WHAT!?” My voice shakes the floors of Hell, which open up and swallow down the images of DiCaprio and “UGH!” Such garbage! Such dreadful… “NO!” I proclaim. “You have to watch the 1962 edition by Franco Zeffirelli!”
A long groan and dramatic fall to the floor in misery, and then, “But I HAAAAAATE Romeo and Juliet with the fire of a thousand suns! I can’t STAAAAAAND that movie. Love me love me… say that you love me.
My friend and I simultaneously barf at the same time.
“Well, of course you hate Romeo and Juliet! I would hate it too if I had to watch that garbage. We must undo this crime to literacy! You must watch the 1962 edition by Franco Zeffirelli!”
“I just… I caaaaaaan’t…” She gives me a look as if she is going to vomit on my shoes. Again. A look—no doubt—inspired by DiCaprio as Romeo. Ugh!
That was 2003. Many hours, days… years, decades have passed with the occasional “You gotta watch the 1962 edition by Franco Zeffirelli!” And I have failed.
Many millions of movie watching has since passed between us two. We have indulged in Hoodwinked, Justice League (all of them), Sex and the City… Somewhere in all that story telling, she hands me the most… sacrileges… *deep breath* Hamlet 2. You heard me.
Hamlet 2. The year was 2010.
My brain explodes.
“WHAT!?!?! I shriek.
“Yes! Hamlet 2!” she says, “You gotta watch it!”
The sound of crickets fill our silence.
“EVERYONE DIES AT THE END OF HAMLET! YOU CAN’T HAVE HAMLET 2!!! IT’S SHAKESPEARE!!!”
“Please,” she sputters through laughter. “It’s really funny.”
I can only forgive her for this indecency due to her passion for Kenneth Branaugh’s Much Ado About Nothing, which almost outstrips mine.
“No!” I declare. “It’s sacrilege! There can’t be a Hamlet 2! That’s like… Othello 2… or Romeo and Juliet 2… Ugh! NEVER!”
We watch Emperor’s New Groove, Naruto… I even built a One Piece special where I crammed 500 episodes into three hours all so she could watch and “get” Sogeking. Ru ru ra ra ruuuu… As we come to the end of our The Walking Dead marathon we discuss the next thing on our list.
It was a bleak November. The opportunity was primed.
“Ooh! You could finally watch the 1962 edition by Franco Zeffirelli.”
I braced for the expected “I can’t,” and instead got, “ONLY IF YOU WATCH HAMLET 2!”
“DONE!” I say and signed the contract before reading the terms.
Our hands connected in agreement! The heavens opened! The clouds dispersed! Lighting struck down, fusing our hands in this sacrileges bond and we simultaneously shrieked at the same time… “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I fell to my knees shrieking these words, But it was too late. The deal was done. The line is forged.
One week later….
“Hey! I brought Hamlet 2!”
So here I am dear reader… preparing myself for the outskirts of indecency as I descend into the bowels of bad Hollywood from the likes of which Bruce Campbell himself would be ashamed.
And what’s worse… I can’t even drink.
To be continued…
Take my hand and descend into the bowels of darkness! Join me and follow so that you may lay upon your death bed and say that you have tasted the sweet nectar that flows from the earth! Adventure so that you can say you have lived… and receive a monthly newsletter from me.
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