Continued from Broken…
Judith: “So… It’s almost November,” Judith said with a small smile. She tried to hold back the pride, but I could see it in her eyes. I had come a long way in six months. One fourth of my therapy was almost over.
Elizabeth: “It is,” I said.
William: “What are your thoughts so far?”
Elizabeth: I took in a deep breath and reflected on recent events. It’s been a long six months.
“Well…” I may as well get into this. “I wrote Broken in March. Took a trip to the crisis center on 2 April 2015. Started therapy in May.”
William: “Hm. Hm,” Judith hummed with a nod. “How do you feel?”
Elizabeth: “Always the feelings with you.”
William: She smiled.
Elizabeth: “I’m not angry anymore. I’m hurt. I’m… sad sometimes. I think sad. I want to cry now and then.”
William: “That’s normal.”
Elizabeth: “But I’m… at peace. I mean, things with my father and brothers are finally repaired. I’ve had urges to want to call them up and talk. I miss them now when they’re away. I miss them. I don’t miss people. I went to the store today and actually felt…relaxed while wandering the store. We started our Solstice shopping.”
William: “How are you feeling about your mother?”
Elizabeth: “My mother… I don’t think… now that the initial shock is over… I don’t think I’m surprised by what she did. I feel like a fool for not noticing it sooner.”
William: “Have you spoken to her or your step-father?”
Elizabeth: “No,” I said, shaking my head. “And I don’t think I ever will again.”
William: “How does that make you feel?”
Elizabeth: I shrugged. “I don’t think I care…” And I didn’t I hadn’t spoken to my mother since September. It was hardly a conversation. I don’t speak to her more than five times a year and she lived ten states away. Not speaking to my mother wouldn’t impact me at all.
William: “And how do you feel about your husband?”
Elizabeth: How did I feel… That brought me to the next topic of discussion.
William: You seem distant.
Elizabeth: I am.
Elizabeth: There is one… a friend. I can not emphasize how much this man isn’t attractive to me. I’ve known him for nearly a year now. He is and always has been unattractive to me. Until…
Elizabeth: Until he told me he was getting married.
My brain perked up and I went, “Oooh!” Suddenly, I desired his scrawny balding body. But it wasn’t him. It was the concept of him. And what’s more… He is moving soon. He’ll live nearly a state away.
William: How did that make you feel?
Elizabeth: I desired him even more. An unavailable married male! Alright! I can feel the desire. I can feel me almost pining. It can so easily turn into craving… into a pining. And I know now… it’s all the issues I have.
But it didn’t stop there. I’m eyeing this one friend that I have. He lives across the sea with his wife and it is so hard to not flirt with him.
William: What does it feel like?
Elizabeth: Feel like?
William: When you flirt.
Elizabeth: It feels like… a blanket of warm. I love this feeling. It’s not quite “in love,” but it’s that feeling you get… when you love someone and you just want to be close to them. So you sit and talk until 3 in the morning. You can feel the unspoken promised kiss in the air, but instead you just sit and wallow in the others company. That is what this feels like.
William: That is oxytocin. It’s the same chemical released in the brain after sex.
Elizabeth: I’m so accustomed to this feeling… it’s a part of me.
William: When did you start feeling this? When did you start wanting what you couldn’t have?
Elizabeth: I was 12… I spouted off without doubt. With piss-ant. I couldn’t have him. My girlfriend had him.
William: Was there anything before that?
Elizabeth: There was… no. Just Justin. My first kiss. But there was no warmth. Only horrific fear. I was terrified of him.
I stopped for a moment and recalled that year.
“Jason,” I said.
William: Who is Jason?
Elizabeth: Jason. He was… a boy I loved that year… No. Not loved… Not loved at all… That was the oxytocin. It was… I wanted him. He didn’t want me. He was well out of my league. But… the moment he wanted me two years later, I didn’t want him. The warmth was present with Jason.
William: How does this compare to your raven?
Elizabeth: It’s nothing at all like what I felt for Raven. Not one thing about this feels like how I did for Raven. There was no warm blanket. There was hot… a cloud forever blinded my senses. Like I was stumbling around in the dark. And he was there. Only he with this heat and my chains. I saw him and in an instant and was chained to him, eager, wanting, and willing to give everything to him. I was his servant… his slave. And I wanted to be. I still do. Command me, I said to him. For nothing gives me more pleasure than your pleasure. “He is my favorite pain.”
I will love him until I die. It is simply the way it is.
William: But you can’t have him.
Elizabeth: I don’t care.
Judith: Do you pine?
Elizabeth: I don’t. Not for him. And I never have, but oh… I miss him. So much. But my absence give him joy and so I happily stay away.
William: But if he comes to you?
Elizabeth: I’d fall into his arms. For him, I obey. No matter his wish, I grant. And if he asked of me something I could not do, I would die trying. Anything at all. He need but to ask. I love him.
William: But he’s married.
Elizabeth: I felt this way before I knew he was married.
William: He lives in another state.
Elizabeth: I don’t care.
William: You can’t have him.
Elizabeth: I can’t.
Judith: And none of this is reminiscent of the other experiences you’ve had?
Elizabeth: Not at all.
William: Let’s talk about Hosea.
Elizabeth: What about him?
William: How do you feel about him?
Elizabeth: I love him.
William: Like Raven?
Elizabeth: I shook my head. No love is the same. I love Hosea like a warm rain loves the earth. I love Hosea like the flowers love the sun. Like the wind loves the rain. His breath gives me air to breath.
William: But not Raven.
Elizabeth: They are different loves.
William: If Raven asked you to come to him tomorrow… who would you go to?
William: Why Hosea?
Elizabeth: Because it is Hosea who has earned me. It is Hosea who deserves me.
William: Earned. That sounds like you value you. That was something that wasn’t there before.
Elizabeth: It is new.
William: But you would want Raven?
Elizabeth: I am not Raven’s to have.
William: But you will be disobeying if Raven called to you and you stayed with Hosea.
Elizabeth: In that case, I would have to kill myself.
I wasn’t joking.
William: Why kill yourself?
Elizabeth: I couldn’t harm either Raven or Hosea. I said. Not again.