Goodmorning me dearest reader. I wrote a 2,000 word post this morning and have broken it into four 500-word parts for easy digestion. The goal of this…monologue is presented in Part #4, which you are welcome to skip to. Part’s #1, #2, and #3 are just exploratory dialogue to help me get to what I wanted to say. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
I love talking to people, but if you had met me in person—without Social Media between us—I am a very different person.
I am an introvert. I am more than an introvert. I am a shut in. I was so bad back in March of 2015—yes…two months ago—that I wouldn’t even leave my bedroom except to get my coffee in the morning and use the bathroom three steps away from my bedroom door. I wouldn’t even go to the kitchen to eat. Dead serious. I have a severe phobia of strangers, men, and going outside. Loud noises and shouting triggers me and sends me into a full panic. I associate screaming, shouting, and noise with battle. I am very serious. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am on medication for it. In my mind, there’s a war going on. I spend a lot of time trying to tell myself that the war is over. Sometimes, most times, I don’t believe me. I’m pretty messed up and am in therapy to deal with this. I have to force myself outside every day. In all honesty, with spring and the gardens outside awaiting my green thumb, this is getting easier. I’m much better now, but have a long, long way to go.
Morally, I have no tolerance for uneducated people who refuse to improve themselves, and I used this as an excuse to close myself off. To me, there is no greater waste than an individual with a mind who refuses to learn. I can’t fathom such a person.
The online world and social media was a god-send for me. Through the cyber life, I was able to get around my fears and reach out to people…so long as they don’t call me on the phone or try to meet me in person. Online, I am the person I want to be. In person, my fears swallow me whole. Online, I can escape that world and realize who I am inside.
This is what Social Media is for me. I will be honest. I think most of us online are this way. I think the majority of people who ran to Social Media are lonely introverts who found a way to not be so alone. To you, I say believe me. I understand. I get it. We use Social Media to create a new face that allows us to hide our mental conditions from each other. I hate hiding. I don’t want to hide. For me, it feels too much like lying. And I do not lie.
This is me taking off my mask and showing you who I really am behind the loud, outgoing, overly friendly persona you see. In person, I have an unnatural control over my anger. I’m quiet, calm, and pensive. I move like a hunter in the woods. I do too. Almost tip toe. I am startled easily and until recently, I kept a handful of swords at my side along with my seax. I miss my swords. I meant it when I said there is a war going on.
I won’t get into it much, but I began fighting a very real war when I was eight and it finally ended six years ago. I never realized what I had become to know to shut it off and have been living with PTSD for six years without treatment.
*laughing* I’m laughing at the irony. This is exactly my point. Let me correct this. The war ended in 2002, but in my mind it continued right up to 2009. I didn’t hear about it until April 2015 when I finally sought help…once I finally learned the truth. That the war I was still fighting up until last month had ended in 2009…and I just realized. No, Angela. The war ended in 2002. See? Awareness. Awareness is the first step to healing. “The war is over. The war, Angela, is over.” Bergen says that to me all day long and I lower my sword. It’s hard for me.