For you frequent visitors, you may have noticed by now the conversations I’ve had on guilt, emotion, ego, and Kolinahr. My husband mentioned shame yesterday and that got me thinking.
As of right now, I don’t feel shame. I associate shame with manipulation and, so long as I don’t feel shame, others can not manipulate me. Shame distorts choice and decision…at least I think it does. Now, I realize this is an unusual way of thinking and I suspect I am wrong…but I know no other way to think at the moment.
I post a lot of private things about myself. I post articles, not based on whether or not I will be ashamed, but on whether or not you will be offended. I do not wish to offend you as I deeply respect you.
But my husband asked me yesterday, “You have no shame for posting some of this stuff today…but you do realize, as your therapy continues, you will start to feel shame. How will you feel then, when you look back and see some of the things you posted?”
I love questions that provoke deep thought (Heheheee…Douglas Adams). So this is where I am today. Exploring Shame. What is it? Why do we have it? What is it’s purpose? I think Judgment is also a part of shame. and guilt, definitely. But I want to discuss judgement as well.
I am going to pause here before I continue to say, once again that I hold each and every one of you in the up most respect and I mean no offense to any of you. I am not a Christian. I simply do not have the discipline to commit to a religion. I fear that I will fall short of any practices and beliefs that I claim to adopt. Therefore, I will not claim to belong to any one religious group and desecrate what that religion stands for because I fail to live up to the lifestyle it represents. If I had to choose, if I could have the discipline, I wish I could be a Buddhist. Respect for all. Respect for self. But alas, I lack the discipline. Again, I mean no offense. My current religious status is “Weak Agnostic.”
This quote is taken from Wikipedia.
Weak agnosticism (also called “soft”, “open”, “empirical”, or “temporal agnosticism”) The view that the existence or nonexistence of any deities is currently unknown but is not necessarily unknowable; therefore, one will withhold judgment until evidence, if any, becomes available. A weak agnostic would say, “I don’t know whether any deities exist or not, but maybe one day, if there is evidence, we can find something out.”
And this is exactly what I believe. I believe that we can not claim what we will or won’t know today anymore than we can claim what is or isn’t the central deity if one exists at all.
Now…Regarding judgement. I believe judgement is necessary for self-preservation and I encourage it. Rest assured, if you are a mother or a father and you are walking down the street with your children and you cross paths with a heroine addict, you will clutch your children and move to the other side of the street. You will judge that heroine addict in order to preserve the safety of your children.
Yes. I believe people judge. I believe this is absolutely necessary for survival until all human beings stop being dangerous. I encourage judgement. That being said…I detest prejudice. I loathe it.
So do I fear your judgement? No. I don’t. I’m sure some of you may have read about my situation in Broken or the the other articles on psychology and drawn conclusions. I think I am justified in my thought process and I don’t believe my thought process…where my emotions and behavior is concerned…is correct. I am looking to fix it. I also believe I have very sound reasons for believing what I do. This leads me to my next article…Daryl Dixon.
I believe my logic is sound. I am convinced my premises are all incorrect. Unfortunately…I have no idea what the correct premise are.
So how does shame play into all of this…I think shame is a feeling one gets when they have done something they are not proud of…I’m lost for words. I have done many things I am not proud of, but I have no shame. I think…I think I have no shame because…
Is that the difference?
I swear by my life and my love for it that I will not live for another person, nor let another live for me – Ayn Rand Atlas Shrugged
To thine own self be true. – Shakespeare Hamlet
I think Shame is about responsibility. No. That doesn’t feel right. In my case, I think I feel no shame because I have accepted my errors. I just can’t figure this one out. I’ll have to do some research on shame.
On to Daryl Dixon!