Fear of rejection. Guilt from selfishness. These are my most prominent feelings I’m experiencing right now. I’m a writer. Writers tend to self centered. We write books exploring our stories, our beliefs, our opinions. We launch websites that exist like little countries and we hoist our flag. “I hereby deem this Angela Land!” I exclaim. You may or may not see Angela Land referenced in the very near future on my home page.
I plant my flag post into the sweet soil of my brain and metaphorically piss all over the small section of the internet that is my cyber “tree.” Yes. Every writer has a little bit of egomania. It is a requirement in all writers. For if one is to write and publish, one must first believe that they have something of value to say. I know what you’re thinking.
“You little egoist, you.”
But why now? Why, after seven months, am I now feeling guilt? I promptly freaked out for three hours, pressed on with my new groups, and cried to my husband (in a very controlled, sophisticated manner. I am maintain my dignity when I cry and I never wale or blubber) before realizing the real cause of my problem. This isn’t about rejection or guilt. No…I know what this is. This is a loss of control. I feel vulnerable because I have surrendered my control. By creating the groups and allow you to communicate with me, I have given up my safe haven. Yes, you have always been free to rebut, but not in a…dun dun DUN…FORUM POST! Now you can rebut. I worry about being judged and rejected by you while feeling guilty for being so selfish.
This is why I am writing to you, to call me out for what this is. I’ll say it again. Awareness. Healing begins with awareness.
And I miss my Raven. So much.